The Sitter
Dog sitter arrives in in a dog park with two French bulldogs on a split leash. The dogs
have signs hanging from their necks that say “Licensed Therapy Animal.”

TS: How can you stand sitting here
I mean ok fine.
Let’s just get out of the sun and we’ll be, ok fine let’s just be. Let’s get out of
the sun.
Fine. Don’t.
I guess we’ve arrived

Dogs: Here’s good
We’re good here
Wherever you go there you are
(Sits on white plastic chair in dog park, a dust rises as ass hits chair. Dust probably
70% shit dust)

TS: What? Ok. What? No sit.
Or wait, what? No, not on me
Uh enough ok.
I’m done with you.
(pause)
You see there I said it I said what I had to say
Stay.
Sit. Stay.
Does that mean I need to stick around?
I don’t need to stick around
I’ll stay.
No, no you stay.

D: Don’t go
People respect you
You’re a soldier
Woof
You’re an army of one
Woof

TS: That doesn’t mean I’ll stick around
Either way I’ll stay
So what I guess we’re
So what, I guess we’re just here now.
I guess we’re just here now.

D: Woof
Don’t punish yourself
We’re fine here
Easy easy
You’re a fighter
Karma’s on your side

TS: Even if I don’t have anything to say to you.

D: Woof
Accept what you cannot change
9/11 was an inside job
Woof
You’re not the problem
But that doesn’t mean you need to find the answer
Woof

TS: Even if I don’t have any advice for you
I don’t know what you want me to say
What can I tell you that you don’t know.
I mean don’t you even read?
Can you even read?
What do you expect.
I might not have good advice
But I can be a model
A leader
An agent of change.
Ok.
Just run around in front of me like a small animal
I’ll stick around
(more at ease)
Go run
I’ll stay
Just go
I’ll stay here
I’ll stay to insult you and your loved ones
You and you are people that take time
All of you people take time
Time off from you
Your people are taking time off from you

D: Woof
They earned it
Let them take it
Take their time off, not us
Woof

TS: They’re taking their time off
I guess you’re exhausting
I couldn’t do it
I’d be a mess
But I’ll stay
Because yeah I’m determined
And joyous and confusing.
I guess when I feel something I really commit
To feeling it
I can be chaotic, I have indigestion,
I’m gassy but kind hearted.
I’m hectic and lean.

Because I have a heart
And I flex that muscle
I’m good with my hands
Put me to work
I’m anxious because I care
I’m scared because I’m free
But I don’t need anyone to rely on
People rely on me
I’m 80% unleashed
But with an invisible collar
(pause)
Who’s thirsty?
(pause)
Don’t touch me.

D: Woof people respect you
For what you do. And you do a lot. You really do a lot

TS: I do a lot

D: You’re a warrior
You really do a lot

TS: I do do a lot
Who’s thirsty?

D: Woof woof

TS: Disgusting
Wet dogs just don’t know how to wipe anymore.
You’re just sitting there.
Don’t just sit there
You have four legs.
You have eight legs
You like to be held
Not carried
Consider yourself blessed and kept
You’re kept but not owned and I like that about you
You’re committed even when you don’t care
That’s fine.
As long as I’m not the one dragging you down the street.
Pulling at your collar,
As long as you’re not dragging your ass on the concrete.
Just sitting there not even moving.
Then what, I look psychotic.

D2: So stressful

So unnecessary
So why

TS: Psychotic.
I want a dog with legs. Like athletic. Not thick
Strong, but not thick.
Not threatening but built
but like I won’t break you
you can still sit on my lap.
That comes to me when I call
And calls me protector.
I want to you to both fear and love me
I want to be dominated and respected
A dog should be but strong, and totally independent
But it would still be my fault if you died.

D: Woof
Do you believe in the afterlife?

TS: No really, it would be my fault if you died
But like, who’s watching whom really?
We’re all fighters
You’re good
Good dogs

D: You’re selfless
You’re centered
And filled with intent
You’re approachable
When people meet you they feel they’ve known you for years
We get it

TS: Are you done?
Did you go?
You know when you need to go
You’d tell me
If you needed to
Just go
Don’t ask me permission
Just go
Don’t look at me when you go.
(pause)

A recent text by Dena Yago
Read by Julien Ceccaldi, Louise Sartor
and Dena Yago